Kind of a long entry here, bear with me.
For a long, long time I was never a very "believing" person. What I mean by that is that I've always believed in God, a higher power, whatever you choose to call Him/Her/It. I've always felt that there was something out there greater than we are, but I'd never really felt the finger of God touch my life in a straight-out-of-a-book sort of way. Maybe in retrospect, I think my having met J and having Sydney after so many problems was a "touch" thing that I never really fully acknowledged.
When we had our surgeries, we racked up quite a bit of debt from those, and in part we were stupid and greedy and selfish. So now we are tackling that using Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. Neither of us have been very good with money and we want to change that and teach Sydney good money habits so she doesn't have to be stressed and embarrassed at how ridiculous things have gotten.
Before you freak out, our cars are not going to be repo'd. Our lights have stayed on, and there is food in the fridge. It's not that bad, people. ;-)
We're just tired of being stressed just enough to make life kind of suck. So we're taking dramatic action to take care of things like the adults that we are. We're not old and decrepit so we should have a decent retirement built up by the time we get there - and if we want that we need to get on it NOW.
So, we're selling stuff. Probably stuff that we needed to get rid of a long time ago (if you've seen my spare bedroom, you understand. All those tubs of baby clothes!)
And my mom has been so, so gracious and helpful. I really can't thank her and my dad enough. They are helping us get a level footing and a good start on this plan of Dave's. I can't explain how grateful I am, how the knots of "this budget is going to suck" and "no more fun for, like, FIVE years while we pay these stupid bills off!" have started to untie a bit.
Jarrod was reading this book called The War of Art, and it talks about getting past procrastination and getting tapped into your creative side. It's technically about the arts... acting and the like, but it really applies to everyday life. Just after feeling like the hand of God had come down and said "Here ya go, a nice frosty glass of Diet Root Beer and an ear to listen," he'd read this passage. The first bit is a quote from a book he references, the second bit is the authors actual writing, the whole entry I've made green.
The Magic of Making a Start
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not have otherwise occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incident and meetings and material assistance in which no man would have dreamed would come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it. Begin it now."
--W. H. Murray
The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
Did you ever see Wings of Desire, Wim Wender's film about angels among us? (City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage was the American version.) I believe it. I believe there are angels. They're here, but we can't see them.
Angels work for God. It's their job to help us. Wake us up. Bump us along.
Angels are agents of evolution. The Kabbalah describes angels as bundles of light, meaning intelligence, consciousness. Kabbalists believe that above every blade of grass is an angel crying "Grow! Grow!" I'll go further. I believe that above the entire human race isone super-angel, crying "Evolve! Evolve!"
Angels are like muses. They know stuff we don't. They want to help us. They're on the other side of a pane of glass, shouting to get our attention. But we can't hear them. We're too distracted by our own nonsense.
Ah, but when we begin.
When we make a start.
When we conceive an enterprise and commit to it in the face of our fears, something wonderful happens. A crack appears in the membrane. Like the first craze when a chick pecks at the inside of its shell. Angel midwives congregate around us; they assist us as we give birth to ourselves, to that person we were born to be, to the one whose destiny was encoded in our soul, our daimon, our genius.
When we make a beginning, we get out of our own way and allow the angels to come in and do their job. They can speak to us now and it makes them happy. It makes God happy. Eternity, as Blake might have told us, has opened a portal into time.
And we're it.
Basically what he's talking about it that if you stop putting up a strong front, or pretending you don't need help or you have too much fear about something to deal with it... once you open up and get through that fear or whatever... you'll be taken care of. You just need to let it into your heart. I don't know why so many people are resistant to that help.
I guess I should know... I was one, too.
I still have fears. Of course I do. It's a daily struggle to try to deal with them. And being the logical person I am, I have a tough time with irrational fears.
But, I will let you all stew on that for a while. I know I need to.
Now go host an online Tupperware party. I know you're afraid to, but the guardian angels will help you when you do. :)
